Callie's Corner

So originally this blog was intended to be a compilation of fun, short made up tales of my life. I live a fairly boring life that isn't very exciting to write or read about and was gifted with ample imagination, so it seemed like a good idea.

But I never did anything with it.

And now I just need a place to share and talk and work things out that isn't 100% private, but also not exactly public...

A few weeks ago, I went out to have drinks with a couple of friends and exchange Christmas gifts. The day evolved from there and much alcohol was consumed and I ended up coming out that I'm transgendered. They both were amazing and accepting and asked questions that showed understanding and completely reinforced the accepting attitude. This went a long way to put me a ease and make me feel comfortable.

It did not stop me from freaking out over the next day, despite having little regret about doing so. In the end I am happy I came out, happy to have two more friends that I don't have to hide myself from, and can be honest with. I wasn't sure why I was freaking out given how I felt about it. I sort of assumed it was just the fact that I hadn't prepared myself to come out.

It took a few days to realize the real reason I was freaking out (and still am from time to time). I was freaking out over what it meant. Things have changed. And I don't mean in the way that now my secret is out to more people and now things are going to be different. Not at all.

I mean, I'm different, and things have changed in me. It's only been recently that I had been contemplating coming out to some friends. Merely toying and quietly debating for the future, like maybe next year or the year after.   Interestingly enough, the friend I was specifically thinking of when I told an online friend that should my friends be accepting they would probably respond with "That makes sense actually," was one of the ones I told, and his reaction was "That actually makes a lot of sense."

But this kinda made me realize I'm a lot more ready to come out than I thought, and that's actually rather scary in the grand scheme of things. I'm tired of hiding and pretending to everyone, and have been for a while..

There are some that it'll still be a long time coming before I come out to them, maybe. And my family is an even scarier prospect at the moment, that I need to build to in my own time.

But it's more than that. I'm not sure where I stand on the whole transitioning thing anymore.  I haven't for a while now, and this kinda opened my eyes to that.  I'm not nearly so "No, I won't be transitioning" anymore.  Nor am I exactly about to commit to transitioning.  It's not an easy decision to make either, and either way I can go is pretty scary.  So that's where I am right now.  With a lot to figure out and not even sure where I am standing on it anymore.

I am thinking this post will be useful in coming out to others in the near future when I'm ready to. Linking this is a lot easier than face to face and I'm a lot better at expressing myself in type and writing than in verbal communication.

-- Colleen "Callie"

                                                                                                                                           

Interesting fact of the day: For those that might not know, I was diagnosed autistic in '09. The diagnosis came as a bit of a boon, allowing me to understand myself better and helping me to let go of some things and mellow out. It has also allowed me to better connect to friends and family as I understood where I was coming from more, and I could now step back and reassess what was happening with better insight and go from there.

However, my symptoms and traits have never really fit that well within in the common symptoms and traits of autism. I still had autistic symptoms falling in all the categories and criteria necessary, they just weren't exactly the typical or common symptoms so often listed.

That is until they started to assess how autism differs for girls and assess the symptoms and traits often seen in girls. Oddly enough, despite my assigned, and biological gender, I exhibit a lot of the traits for autism in girls. A lot more than I do in the traits listed for autism in boys. In fact the ones I do fit with the boy's list are the ones that are also on the girl's list. Link to the autism traits in girls