Callie's Corner

There was a huge rough patch for a long while.  Shortly after coming out to my sister, I kinda went through a downward spiral.  The excitement and euphoria of deciding to transition wore off, and in crept all the fears and doubts at full strength. 

This is why I've been so long between updates.  I tend to try to spare people the melodramatic and depressive ramblings.  There was also little movement on the whole transitioning front to report instead.  I needed spaced to work things out and that tends to mean stepping away from things, giving myself time to sort it all out.

So I went quiet here.  Some friends though did here all this and were invaluable in keeping me going, and for that I thank you so much.

During this time, despite the fears and doubts my therapist and psychiatrist were both eager to get me started on HRT.  On the one hand that was great.  On the other hand I was a panicky mess now, and it really seemed to me that they were basically "Yes women."  They listened to what I wanted from the start, but weren't at the same time assessing if I was ready for this, or even really helping me work things out.

My psychiatrist instead prescribed anti-depressants.  They've been wonderful at stabilizing my mood, but not so much the dysphoria or other worries. 

Around this time, the newly trained gender therapist at Kaiser got done with Jury Duty, and I was switched to her for the next appointment.  I had started channeling everything into a new comic idea, Asphodel, that I won't be detailing here, given that it's viewable to the public.  But it is total catharsis for me.  I was starting to bring myself out of the funk.

My new therapist was all set to sign off on HRT for me, but reconsidered a bit later, thinking it might be best to work through some of the doubts and fears and all first.  Finally, I had a therapist that was also considering my mental state in all this.  She's phenomenal, easy to talk to, completely gets how my mind processes and functions.  I couldn't ask for someone better.

So that's where I am on that front.

On another front, I am fully inspired by Laverne Cox, Janet Mock and Kristin Beck.  These women are amazing and at the forefront of Trans issues right now.  They are true role models.  I am seeing more and more advocates and activists challenge and fight the bigotry, which is has greatly reduced the overwhelming flood of negativity I see everywhere.  My skin is starting to thicken as well. 

I've also noticed subtle changes in myself.  Everything seems to be more.  The things I care about, the things that move me, the things that bother, etc., all do so more than they used to.  Some of my friends have noticed I'm sharing more.  Basically the mask I've worn all my life is starting to fade, and as it does, more of me is coming through, not being suppressed for appearances.  This is an incredible feeling.

My hair is also getting long.  I love it.  Having to tuck it behind my ear, feeling it brush my neck as I turn my head, etc., it really takes the edge of the dysphoria.  I know it's silly, but honestly, being able to express myself as myself just a little bit more than I was really helps.  Sure, girls can have short hair, but that was never "me."  In high school I had long hair, though styled it and cut in a very boy fashion.  My mental image of my has always had long hair.  It's not a stereotyping thing, it's my preference, and always has been.  Society, however thinks that boys should have short hair.  I've had jobs that restricted the length male employees hair can be. So while, yeah, you can have long hair and be a boy, in many instances you can't.  Luckily my current job doesn't seem to care about hair length of their male employees (still presenting male and not out at work so...)

Well, that's basically it.  A very quick summary of some really intense months.